Louds & Roses
by Hatoralo
Summary: Luan Loud, only wanted to watch the comedic stand-up late at night but her mother forbid it. Sneaking out of the house to do it anyway would get her into a lot of trouble but not the kind she expected. (Slighty co-written by ultrabud2)


**So, here is another story. I become worse and worse with notes having no idea what to say, so I just say have fun reading it.**

**The part with the Robot Doppelganger was written by ultrablud2.  
He also came up with the title "Louds & Roses".**

**And I thank ultrabud2 also a thousand times for the good proof-reading job he did on this story.**

* * *

**Louds & Roses  
**by  
**Hatoralo & ultrablud2**

* * *

"No."

"But-"

"No, it is just too late in the night!"

"I will not be alone."

"No, young lady."

Luan and Rita were arguing about the Comedienne wanting to visit a late-night live comedy stand-up by a famous raunchy comedian. While Rita was okay with Luan watching something meant for 18-year olds (there was no way to hide that stuff from people with Internet access anyway), the fact her pun-spewing daughter wanted to do so in a late night place all by herself was a different story altogether.

"I have my weapons as well," explained Luan. "My Squirt flower can not only be equipped with water but also with mace or nitric acid.

"I… Excuse me, WHAT?!"

"Ergh… Just, a joke I go to bed!"

While Luan was running 2 Rita shook her head and wished, once again, what her daughter would be more like Ronald McDonald and less like the Joker.

* * *

If there was a thing Rita Loud learned from raising the largest family this side of the Bakers, it was that most kids were hardly above sneaking off to see/do things their parents disapproved of, and the Loud children were no exception (even Lincoln was guilty of that).

Which is why, after a quick trip to the bathroom at midnight, she went to Luna and Luan's room to check on the latter... 's attempt to make it see she didn't defy her orders.

What she saw lying on her 4th eldest daughter's bed was... her sleep-punning ("What do you call a trout with a criminal background? Fishy!").

This came as a shock to Rita... for about three seconds, before she went to the bathroom again and came back with a glass of water.

"Nice try, Luan." Rita chuckled while walking to Luan's bed and holding the glass above her. "I wasn't born yester-"

"*cough* Mom, what the heck?!"

Instead of a robot malfunctioning, Rita pouring water on Luan was rewarded with a soaked daughter

"Talk about a 'wet dream'. Hahaha, get it? But seriously mom, what gives?"

Not believing what she was seeing, Rita just stood there jaw-slacked.

"You thought I'd try and sneak off to that comedy stand-up after leaving a robot duplicate of myself I borrowed from Lisa to make it seem I didn't, didn't you?" asked Luan in a deadpan tone.

Snapping out of it, Rita sighed. "Yes."

"Mom, while I'd like to go Chucklehead's to see the likes of Greg Colin and Adrian Token Putty in person, I get that the streets surrounding that place aren't exactly that safe at night."

Rita was stunned. She certainly didn't expect to see Luan of all people to get where her concern was coming from.

"Well… that's surprisingly mature of you, Luan." smiled Rita before leaving the room.

Once she was sure her mom couldn't hear her, Luan went to the closest and took out… well, you know where this is going.

* * *

"Don't you fear the trouble this can you get into, dude?"

"We only have to fear, fear itself," said Luan, looking through her dress. "That, and anyone with a gun."

"Blimey, Mom will ground you for a week if she catches you," stated Luna.

"Cover me and all will be fine," requested Luan once again. "Are you with me or not?"

"I will help you, but I can only do so much," said Luna while preparing a puppet of Luan and putting it into Luan's bed. "I can't believe Lisa's robot doppelgangers of us can't lie down on a bed."

"Yes, but they are able to juggle chainsaws on fire," remembered Luan who dressed herself in a black coat and put a matching hat on her head. "But juggling bedtime is so much harder, right?"

"Just go dude, and enjoy your horseapple filled comedy."

"Thanks, worshipper of the old rock."

Luna helped Luan climb out of the window with some joke tissues. And with that, she was on her way. Putty was on an all-time high.

* * *

"And the Judge said "No, stop it now! Put the melons on the banana and squirt them together!"

The crowd laughed their bottoms off. This was one of the best shows Luan had ever seen by a long shot. Listening to a comedian this good invigorated her spirit.

Still, the brown-haired girl had the feeling somebody was observing her.

Looking around she saw nobody in the club, only the patrons.

"And for the end, I want to say: The rivers are brown, the heavens are clear. And EA Management has drowned."

A final big laugh and tonight's show is over.

* * *

The night was chilly, the wind even chillier and Luan, inspired by what the comedian had done on the stage, thought about how to improve her own adult act for her older clientele and older siblings.

She was alone on the streets on her way home in the suburbs as she felt the eyes on her back again. Somebody was not only observing her, but obviously following her too.

"Oh, I am a poor damsel," Luan said theatrically. "How could I get into such a dreadful situation? Woe is me. What will be my fate?"

Whatever was behind her, she did not hesitate to turn around and shoot mace out of her flower at her pursuer. Her pursuer was not impressed, quite the contrary. Their eyes dripping with mace were the least strange thing about the… being behind her.

It was a bird. A bird as big as a grown-up man. A black feathered avian with a long thin red beak, a blueish forehead and the rest was white. The plumage was dark as the night and it had two arms under its wings, arms with big hands that showed nasty claws coming out of the fingers. The legs and feet were also like the ones of the avian species, but they were veiny and pulsated slightly.

"Nice costume," said Luan, not impressed by what she was seeing. "The mask protected you from my mace. But it will not protect you from this:"

Luan took out a buzzer and put it on her hand. "This little thing can produce enough volts to knock somebody out even in the thickest clothing. Don't try anything or-"

The black feathered being took a step forward and grabbed Luan's arm. She just smirked and used her modified buzzer in a way only a Taser would usually work. It propelled out of her hand, connected with the body of the person and sent a strong electrical charge into it.

But the "person" didn't move. It grabbed the cables and ripped the buzzer away from its body.

Luan froze in fear. This couldn't be a human. No human could take the attack of a Taser like it was nothing (except if that person was naked and high on PCP). She stepped back, but the creature was inhumanly fast. It grabbed Luan by her throat and lifted her into the air. The shocked young woman grabbed her last option, a stink bomb, from her pocket. But the creature quickly took it out of her hand and threw it away. Then it pulled a large brown bag out of nowhere, and threw Luan into it.

"Who are you? The lovechild of a bird and Snidely Whiplash? Let me go, this is too cliché for me!"

She tried to be funny, but her voice gave her desperation and fear away. She knew the stories of monsters that stalked through the night and would eat or capture misbehaving children.  
The fact that the story would come true was probably something no parent had ever expected nor wanted.

"HELP, HELP! I AM BEING KIDNAPPED!"

As the creature was about to close the bag, both it and Luan were suddenly flung to the ground. After Luan overcame the sudden fall to the hard ground, she could swear that she was now hearing the sounds of a fight. Luan quickly freed herself of the bag.  
What she witnessed next would change her live forever.

Another being had engaged in a battle with the enemy. It wore a black cloak with red patterns of ancient Latin characters embroidered into it.

Under it, the new arrival wore matching black boots.  
The most interesting feature though was the face of the being. It was-

"Maggie? Maggie, you are a vampire?"

"Ehm, I don't know who you're talking about, you mean citizen," said Maggie in a manner like a certain kryptonian. She ducked under to land a punch to the stomach of the creature and kicked back. "Now, run away Luan-eh, I mean, citizen who I don't know. Just run away, you will be safe. I can take care of this Nachtkrabb."

Maggie blocked a punch and countered with her hand that turned into claws, leaving some nasty marks on her mark. Luan stayed and watched the fight with interest, despite her earlier feeling of terror. It was fascinating to watch how these creatures moved faster than any human being and struck harder as well. The Nachtkrabb gave growl which sounded like the chirp of demonic bird and tried to peck at Maggie's eyes yet she grabbed the beak and followed it with a few punches to the Nachtkrabb's eyes. It screamed in anger and kicked Maggie away from it, followed by a quick rush, ready to strike the vampire down. Maggie ducked under a few swipes of the wings and then just threw a lightning bolt at the bird. Electrocution ran through its body once again, but this time with a lot more efficiency. The Energy Bolt of Maggie was a lot more powerful than Luan's buzzer.  
The Nachtkrabb, still convulsing, tried to fly away, but Maggie brought it down with a sweep of her claws and a fist to its stomach.

It fell to the ground, unconscious.

Maggie, sweeping away the sweat from her forehead, took out something that looked like a communicator. "Hi? Yes, here was a Nachtkrabb, hunting a teenager who was out without permission. Get the cleaners. I will take care of the civilian and get her home safely."

She deactivated her com and bound the Nachtkrabb with ropes that glowed in a sinister looking red color around the ankles, over and under the knees, bound the arms together behind its back. And that was all. She rolled it onto its belly and then turned towards Luan, who was curiously standing directly behind her, which took Maggie by surprise.

"I know how this looks," Maggie started quickly. "So, before you freak out, I want to assure you that-"

"Can you turn into fog?"

The vampire was taken aback once more. "Eh, yes."

"Getting under doors and set an atmosphere?"

"…Yes?"

"That would be excellent for an idea I have for a prank!" Luan told Maggie. "I just need you to wear the mask of a duck, one ton of Calamari and a targeting computer."

"I will not misuse my vampiric powers for stupid jokes," said the young emo in annoyance. "Why aren't you more in awe, shock or wonder about the fact that a Nachtkrabb tried to kidnap you and a vampire rescued you?"

"I'm just wondering why you of all people turns out to be a vampire," stated Luan sincerely. "I mean, it was too obvious, too easy to think that an emo or a Goth would turn out to be a vampire."

Maggie rubbed her eyes. "I… I… Who did you think would turn out to be a vampire?"

"My sister Leni," explained Luan. "I go with the "Opposite-of-a-being-or-alter-ego-is-the-true-or-secret-identiy" theory."

Maggie blinked a few times. She had gone through a few such discussions with mortals, but none had taken it so easy.  
Even her mother had been more surprised than this. And she was a vampire herself.  
"Aren't you even scared after what the Nachtkrabb tried to do to you? They kidnap their victims and either kill them, exile them in a faraway country or imprison them."

Luan shrugged her shoulders. "I can believe it. Don't know why I'm taking this so casually. It could be because I see the entire world as a comedy. A bad comedy most of the time. What is the deal with the Nachtkrabb anyway?"

"Nachtkrabbs are mythical creatures, but many myths are actually true and so is this one," started Maggie to explain what a Nachtkrabb was. "Many parents did not think that those creatures really exist. Many are nice, but some actually act like in the legends for a variety of reasons."

"And why is this not more common knowledge to humanity?" Luan asked.

"I will explain it your way home," promised Maggie while taking Luan into a bridal carry which, of all things, was finally what surprised her.

"W- What are you doing?"

"Getting you home, Kal-El style."

With those words, Maggie flew into the air like a Kryptonian.

"Wait, don't you have to balance me on your hand while I just hang from it, breaking the rules of physics?

"This is why I do it this way," explained Maggie. "I can't do that."

* * *

"To summarize: Vampires, Werewolves, Undead, Mummies, Ghouls, Wizards, Witches, Sorceresses, Necromancers, Centaurs, Fairies, Deities and all the other beings from myths, legends and Pantheons are real and you protect mankind from the evil members of your kind?"

"Yes."

"Who knows about this?"

"The governments of the world, certain members of the military and the secret services, some of the most important experts certain scientific fields like biology, Tim Burton and some other people. I can't remember them all and I don't want to go through them all."

The two were now flying over the suburbs of Royal Woods. Luan was impressed by how beautiful her neighborhood was from above in the night. She could already hear noises from her house, despite it still being several blocks away.

"And how do you keep yourself and other supernatural beings a secret?"

"We live in pocket dimensions. Those entries can only be accessed with special magic keys or magic spells. We usually have battles in-between dimensions where everything is like in this realm, but without any humans or animals and we erase the memories of humans who have seen us. Those of witnessing supernatural things to be exact."

Luan looked to the side disappointed. "So, you want to erase my memories of my encounter with the Nachtkrabb and your vampiric nature?"

"It doesn't have to happen," said the black haired vampire seriously. "You see, we supernatural beings can have mortal confidants, usually our friends because the closest family always knows already." Maggie sighed. "You'd been a good friend since I met you on my birthday party and after you saw my true nature, it looks like you are able to accept it."

"No problem for me living with that, I guess," Luan said, but she wasn't absolutely sure. "Okay, maybe not. How long do I have before I have to make a final decision?"

"I can give you 3 days, 4 tops," guaranteed Maggie. "Until then, I can show you a few more things of my secret world."

Luan looked more interested now. "Like that trick where you can teleport off-screen? Wait, I think I can do that already. How about a spell to make people sneeze against their will?"

"I will not help you learn any magic that can be used in pranks," said Maggie seriously. "The power to do that in your hands would be way too dangerous."

"I am not so bad."

"What about the time you hacked into NORAD and faked the launch of nuclear missiles?"

"Nobody was able to proof that I was responsible!" said Luan loud and quickly before shutting up. "I mean, I don't know what you're talking about."

Maggie gave a chuckle. "We on the other side know more than you could ever imagine."

Luan blushed. "Okay, I did it. I actually really got nervous as homeland security knocked on our door together with the national guard. Again." Luan sweated a little while remembering it.  
"They weren't much happier after the incident with Lisa bringing Plutonium into the school."

"Leni was allowed to hold a grenade launcher that day, I saw it in the news," commented Maggie. "She looked pretty happy."

"So, will we meet again in school tomorrow like always?"

"Of course."

Maggie landed behind the house so Luan could easily sneak back into it. "Thanks for the lift, Nosfemaggie."

Maggie gave her friend a nod. "Anytime, especially If you accept to be my familiar."

"Can you show me some more supernatural aspects tomorrow? I think I may become your familiar right now."

"You came around quickly."

"I can't just let this chance pass," explained Luan. "But: Lucy can't learn of this."

"You fear she might want me to turn her into a vampire?" assumed Maggie seriously.

"That, and she could be envious as hell that I found a vampire before her and befriended one as well."

"Are you sure?"

"Believe me, I know how ugly jealousy can be," insisted Luan, remembering her own jealously issues as Lucy got a certain big gig before her as the youngest performer at the Royal Woods Theater. "Better to avoid that… for now. She could be even angrier if I didn't tell her."

"But then she has to make the same decision," said Maggie to Luan. "And I will not turn her into a vampire. Don't worry. Turning humans into vampires is not easy and getting the permission for that is incredibly difficult."

"Makes sense," said Luan. "In Bram Stoker's Dracula, the Count needed a lot of time to turn Lucy into one." Something suddenly came to the brunette's mind. "I would ask you about the book, but I have to sneak back into my house."

Maggie smiled. "Let me help you with that."

* * *

Luna almost fell from her beanbag as her little sister appeared seemingly out of nowhere.

"Sis… How… How did you get in here without me noticing you, dude?!"

"I had a fang-tastic little helper," quipped Luan and Luna did not understand what she meant.

* * *

**This was it for the story of Vampire Maggie and Comedienne Luan.  
Hope you liked, I welcome any kind of constructive criticism which helps me to improve, something I always strife for.**

**The "Fang-tastic" pun was also an idea of my proofreader ultrablud2.**

**Until next time and in case we don't meet again before the 24th I wish you all a Merry Christmas.**


End file.
